As a young woman, I met a new friend at school who shared that her mother, who had five children, came out as a lesbian in middle age. She and her siblings had processed it over time and had come to terms with it, though 40 years ago it was less accepted. I have to tell you I was surprised, because I had never heard anything like that before. Was it because I led a sheltered life? Not likely, but this was something I had never thought about or encountered, and at the time, it was slightly shocking.
Niecy Nash’s recent marriage to a woman after two marriages to men, being a pastor’s wife and raising children; a close family member in her late forties and after two marriages to men and four children, now in a relationship with a woman, are expressing their conscious decision to live their life out loud in what I call, “Living Our Truth.”
The decision may not have to do with your sexual orientation or expression. It is possible that you, an older woman, love a much younger man, or a much younger woman like the actor Holland Taylor. It could be that you don’t want to be a doctor or attorney anymore, you want to be an artist or a social worker, or you don’t want to be married anymore, or just not to the person you are now. Your truth is personal, and it is yours.
Whatever your truth is, as you age, it can become more uncomfortable to “wear a skin” that does not quite fit you. If you have lived your life according to other’s perceptions and needs, there will be a time when you must shake it all off and just BREATHE! That, I call the Journey to Self!
Dealing with the trauma
Many of us have never dealt with the trauma and the backstories in our lives that are responsible for shaping who and what we have become. These experiences may lead us to live on autopilot for so long that we don’t know how to shift gears when a massive change event occurs. That could be a death, an illness, a career loss; but remember, you are not alone, nor are you going crazy, though it may feel that way and others may say you are acting that way. You need to listen to the voice within, the one that is telling you that it is time for a major shift to occur, and (I hate this term) lean in to the change, ride the wave(s).
This may feel like the shaking of your very soul as you are navigating through new horizons in your life’s journey. This is the period when you need to take time out for reflection, get help (either spiritual or psychological) if needed, and begin the process of self-examination. Look at where you have been, how you got here, and where you are going, or want to go next. There is no shame in seeking help from a therapist, a coach, or a spiritual guide. You need to spend time determining which of these is the right resource to help you on your journey, because it is personal.
Coach or Therapist
If you decide to engage a coach, remember that both a therapist and a coach can serve your needs. So, they are not necessarily exclusive. Coaching with Petalgay offers both individual and group programs that will help to guide you on the path to self-discovery and fulfillment. As a coach, I use positive psychology tools and assessments with a strengths focus to help you. Some therapists may use the same or similar tools, but I am not licensed to do the work they are trained to do. My role is to be your champion, helping you find your way to a path that fits you.
As your coach, I provide accountability and encouragement, allowing you to take the necessary steps to achieve forward movement. Keep in mind that especially in 1-on-1 coaching, the tools and processes are specific to you, because we are all at different stages in our lives, and there is no one way to get to the right path.
You may need help finding the path, as you come to terms with being the master of your own destiny, for what feels like the first time. Perhaps you are unsure of what to do and how to manage this new control you have over your life, maybe for the first, or a very long time.
Self-Forgiveness
This can be particularly relevant to women who have suffered abuse and domestic violence. One of the key focus areas of my practice is Self-Forgiveness.
We are told we must forgive others so we can be whole. I say we must forgive ourselves, and eventually, others will no longer have the power to impact our lives, so forgiving them will come naturally.
Unresolved feelings of shame, blame, and trauma can impact our lives and families for generations. It is up to us to break the cycle and face the difficult, and sometimes ugly past head-on. Practicing self-forgiveness first, rather than focusing on those who may have inflicted pain and suffering, whether directly or indirectly, is the key.
But why forgive yourself, if you aren’t the one who did the wrong? Maybe you were a child, or a woman with co-dependency issues from childhood. Whatever the specific circumstances were, we are taught to internalize our pain and even cast blame on ourselves for the things and people that hurt us. Some people may say you brought it upon yourself.
Blame the Victim, Internalized
When my ex-husband punched me in the face and opened a wound from my lip up into my nostril, a physical scar I still bear today, his words to me were, “Look at what you made me do.” What I made him do! Wow! I am just astounded at the thought that I could have stayed with him after that, even though I was the breadwinner in the household. But its not about money, its about power, or lack of it. It’s about ceding your power, whatever the reason.
For me, there were many layers to unpack, so much that needed healing, and I finally figured out (some therapy was required) that I needed to forgive myself, not him. Now, his existence is like that fly on Spence’s head. Just there, sitting on a pile of crap that is a part of my history.
I no longer shudder if I see someone that looks like him passing by in a car. The problem for years was that I harbored deep shame for my part in the relationship, staying when I should have gone. Being afraid, ashamed and believing the awful things he said to me. The church kept telling me that I had to forgive him, but not one person said that I had to forgive myself. That is where my journey to freedom began, however. Self-Forgiveness!
Conclusion
The acknowledgment of the power of Self-Forgiveness, and my lived experiences, have become the foundation of my coaching practice. We will first work to identify the areas where you struggle to thrive in your life.
Then using exercises like the Sailboat metaphor can steer us toward answers, facing the deep-seated shame and the blame that is roiling beneath the surface. Scars will be uncovered (depending on the situation I may recommend a therapist to work with you if you don’t have one) and the healing balm of self-love and self-forgiveness will be applied to the wounds.
The tools selected will be specific to your needs and will help begin the journey to a healthy and fulfilling life. This will require work, it may involve tears and laughter sometimes; but in the end, you will feel more in control of your Self, your life, and your destiny.
To schedule a FREE 30-minute Introductory Call with me, click here. You will receive my brand new, hot off the press Self-Forgiveness Workbook when you sign up for Coaching with Petalgay, and it becomes available.
Give yourself, a friend, or a family member the gift of a first step on the journey to Self-Forgiveness by clicking here to schedule your call.