As I exited the supermarket near my home in Kennesaw, GA one day in my late forties, I suddenly felt dizzy and as if I was going to pass out, on the spot. I hurried to my car and sat in the driver’s seat taking deep breaths and calming myself, it was a while before I could drive home. It scared me.
A year later, I was driving past the new Swift Cantrell park when I suddenly felt as though I was having a heart attack. My heart was racing, I felt clammy and as if I was in a fog. I needed help.
Seeking help!
After making an appointment with a cardiologist for a full work up, I was told it was anxiety. Anxiety??? What??? I am not susceptible to anxiety! I have birthed and raised seven children, worked and gone to school simultaneously, survived domestic violence – physical and mental, and was a woman in charge of my own life. Anxiety is for wimps. Right?
Well, guess what? Anxiety didn’t give a rat’s ass how together I thought I was, it shook me to the core and forced me to recognize that I was not invincible; though it still took many more years for me to come to terms with it all.
Facing the trauma
Have you found yourself in a similar situation, where you have been stuffing your feelings (what is sometimes called trauma) and “sucking it up buttercup”? As the world continues to turn around you? As though everything you have been through and survived did not exclude you from these feelings? I hear you! I was in denial myself for a very long time.
So, how do we process out trauma, grief, pain, whatever you call yours? How do we sit still long enough to reflect and revisit old wounds, uncover the scabs, and shine the light of hindsight upon them?
Avoidance – aka Flight
Many times, we avoid doing that because we don’t want to face our own culpability in the trauma. Not to assign blame, but to look at ourselves, forgive ourselves for being foolish enough to let someone hit us, use us, shame us; even when we knew we were the better person in the relationship.
It could have been a boss, a lover, spouse, a friend or family member, but somehow, we internalized all the bad stuff and created a space of such torture, that we come out of it even more bruised than we should.
Face It! aka Fight
It is during these times that you have to look at yourself, acknowledge that you made mistakes: by excusing that shove that eventually escalated to a scar on your face from stitches you received; or that boss whose dark side was only inflicted on others, until they turned on you; and say “I forgive me”.
The decisions you made in that moment, in lots of moments, that may have hurt you, and others, are not the scarlet letter on your forehead that you make it. Rather, it is a badge that shows your courage in surviving and overcoming your life’s sometimes tumultuous journey.
So, while you should have, could have, and all the other what ifs; the fact is, in that moment you made the best decision you were emotionally and mentally capable of, for that time.
Own Your Stuff
No one gets to judge you, though they try, and you must stop judging yourself so harshly. None of us is perfect, and you are not expected to be any less human because you did not protect yourself, and maybe others who depended on you. If you are a parent, you are especially prone to putting every mistake your children make, on your own back, rather than seeing they are individuals who will make their own mistakes and hopefully learn from them.
Setting Boundaries
Unfortunately, some of our little (and big) darlings are only too happy to hold those times over our heads and manipulate us into pretzels who become lost in the maze of recrimination and blame.
The blame game and that inability to release ourselves, leads to over- emphasis on our weaknesses, which can lead to a fear of failure. Because when we feel we are not enough, we can self-sabotage, and avoid opportunities because we don’t think we deserve them. We need to crush those negative thought patterns. I’ve got exercises for self-reflection for that.
See the Possible
But there is hope. It is possible for you to take a long look at yourself, acknowledge where you have been, the pitfalls you have survived to get here, and the pain you have survived so you can begin anew. This does not mean you sweep it under the rug, you may have to face the music and tell your child, your parent, friend or spouse, you are sorry, and mean it. This will come easier once you have done the work of self-forgiveness and are able to see your life in the context of the non-linear journey it is.
Your life is worth more than your lowest moments, it is time to embrace your strengths; celebrate the things you have done right and take those lessons with you to encourage and uplift you when the negative self-talk shows up. If you can cut yourself some slack, maybe, just maybe, you will be able to see just how awesome you are, warts and all.
Resources for Understanding
Here is an interesting read on the cost associated with anxiety. It’s not cheap, Ways Your Anxiety Is Costing You (msn.com) and another on women’s specific challenges receiving mental health care here, and this on the looming health crisis for women in particular here. Let’s take care of ourselves, then we will have enough to take care of others.